Have you ever had a day, or many for that fact, that you just don't feel like you're qualified to be a mother? Well, these past couple of days have felt just like that.
For weeks, I've been trying to get Lily to gain weight because her doctor says that shouldn't be barely under the 5% for weight (which she is) and basically telling me that I starve my daughter. But, her last weight check said that she was gaining. But . . .these last couple of days have had me worried that tomorrow's weight check will show that she's lost weight because she has barely eaten any food. I've gotten to the point that I want to shove food down her throat. I know that toddlers tend to be picky eaters and that I shouldn't expect Lily to be a big girl, but at the same time it is hard to ignore doctors and my own faults.
This is really hard for me right now and I just don't feel like a very good mother (especially on top of it all I barely played with her today between cleaning the bathrooms and having to get ready myself), how can I expect to raise more children if I can't get it right with one?
Motherhood is so confusing sometimes and at so many moments I feel like I have failed my child and that the mistakes I make right now will hurt her in the future.
I guess what it all comes down to is that I need to find more peace and solace as well as remembering to give these heartaches to the Lord and have Him help me with this situation. I know that I am not alone, but it's hard when you have the personality of a perfectionist :-)
Thanks for letting vent . . .the tears are still falling, but at least I can breathe again.
4 comments:
And Beth, you need to remember that Lily isn't just another number on a weight chart. Sometimes, the Dr isn't right. You offer the food and she'll decide if she's going to eat it or not. They each come with their own personality, likes and dislikes. Some kids aren't big eaters. I have 2 cousins who's kids were just like Lily, and they are fine, both of their Moms just finally had to say forget what the Dr. says, my baby is happy and plays and is learning and growing. You're a good mom Beth (we all have to clean our bathrooms and shower).
I feel that way lots of times. I can't say that Sophie has ever been too skinny... but I feel like I don't give her the attention she needs sometimes. But the reality is that you are doing a lot of good by being a stay-at-home mom. The fact is you get to be with her all day. And from Lily's pictures, she looks just fine, seriously. Better to be skinny than rolly polly like Sophie. ;)
I know how you feel. Some days I think what was I thinking to get pregnant so soon. Right now Gabby is crying in her bed because she doesn't feel good and it breaks my heart. I think i will go rock her now.
Hey Bethany.... I am not so great at following people's blogs, but I am trying to get better... I read your post and it made me sad... You are an awesome mommy, and I know it is true!! Think back to when we were roommates... No need to go into big detail, but I know you remember that time... You were a great friend, and I remember thanking my Heavenly Father over and over again for putting you in my life at that crucial time... You did it because you wanted to, not because you had to, and because you loved me for me... I know that a mother's love is FAR greater than any other love, so having felt your love, I know your little princess knows that you love and adore her!!! Kids grow at their own pace... I have seen small and big kids, and they are all perfectly healthy... Sometimes doctors get stuck on numbers, but don't get frustrated by them!! You know Lily better than any other person in this world, and you know what she needs... She is a happy thriving little girl, and you can see it in her eyes... Kids DON'T starve themselves... They NEVER will... They don't understand that concept at such a young age... If she is hitting all of her major milestones, I wouldn't worry about her food... She knows what her body needs... I love you and I hope that you know that if you ever need or want to talk, I am always here!!! Send me an email or give me a call whenever!! You are worth it 1000% to me!!!
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